Anxiously Expecting

Hi, I’m pregnant.

It’s not all that I am, but it’s currently my biggest focus. It’s also currently the strongest driver of my anxieties, the greatest source of emotional volatility, and the hardest thing I think I’ve ever gone through.

Something’s been bothering me a lot lately: why did nobody tell me just how hard this was going to be?

Why don’t more women talk about just how overwhelming it can be to face the emotional and mental symptoms of pregnancy? When we do talk about it, we paint it in this “cute crazy pregnant lady” light, right?

Like… “Omg, I’m so pregnant that I cried during that part in The Amazing Spider-Man where all the cranes align for him. LOL.” (This may or may not be a true story.)

Pregnant women cry easily, they forget things a lot, they crave random foods, they rush to the hospital in a panic thinking they’re going into labor only to find out it’s just Braxton Hicks – it’s hilarious and adorable.

But in reality… it’s not cute. Not in the slightest. Hell, postpartum, or “the baby blues,” which is much more common than you probably think it is, is legitimately a form of depression. That’s not cute.

Add a predisposition to anxiety and depression to the mix and navigating pregnancy can often be profoundly emotionally challenging. So much so that it caught me off guard and, at times, makes me feel incredibly alone. I’ve had some pretty dark moments, and I feel like I was very ill-prepared to handle them.

As an aside: I want to emphasize that despite its struggles, I am grateful to be pregnant. I know there are so many women who would give anything for this experience, so I don’t take it for granted.

At the end of the day, I want to give my daughter, and any child who comes after her, the very best of me – and I know that I can’t do that if I’m not in the best mental and emotional state. So, my pregnancy prompted me to finally do something I’ve been wanting to do for a while: I started seeing a therapist.

To be honest, as someone who’s extremely self-analytical and introspective, a lot of what has been uncovered thus far is stuff I’ve already known. But… I really like being right, so I’ll take the validation, thank you.

One of the things we focus on the most is how my anxiety stems from feeling like I’m not in control of a situation – which… duh – and how in so many ways, I’m not in control over my pregnancy. From there, I started thinking about how ironic it is that anxiety itself is marked by an inability to control your own thoughts. So, not only am I not in control in any given situation, but I’m also not in control over the thoughts swirling around in my head that ultimately cause the chemical reaction that is anxiety.

Control really is the root of everything.

So this week, she told me to do something that makes me feel like I’m in control. That’s a very broad homework assignment. Sure, I could apply it on a micro level by getting more things ready for baby or having that conversation with that someone about that thing that I’ve been feeling anxious about having… or (and maybe I’m skipping ahead a couple chapters, here) I could attempt to tackle the deeper issue of controlling my own thoughts.

The best way that I know how to do that is through writing – getting it all down on paper and organizing it in a way that’s readable and easier for me to follow.

So, I planned to start journaling again. I was going to write for myself and myself only, because these thoughts and topics that I need to control are deeply personal and sharing them would put me in an incredibly vulnerable position.

But, then it hit me.

In wanting to keep all of this to myself, I had found the answer to my question: why don’t more women talk about just how hard and ugly the mental/emotional side of pregnancy is? It’s because it is so personal, because sharing is so vulnerable. It’s not something that’s easy to talk about – so we don’t.

Thus, I’ve made the decision to start a blog. It’s going to be real and raw and honest, and that terrifies me, but I think if I can help even just one other woman feel better prepared and/or less alone, it will be worth it.

So here we are. I’m inviting you all down this journey with me – welcome!

Please feel free to share your stories, too, and maybe, together, we’ll be able to contribute to the effort to normalize conversations surrounding mental health and pregnancy/motherhood.